Off Color Humor Megathread

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armchair_pundit
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Off Color Humor Megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Thu Dec 15, 2016 8:46 pm

We need a humor thread, and in the tradition of the megas from the old place, and In the spirit of the season, let us begin... :twisted:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

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armchair_pundit
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Thu Dec 15, 2016 8:55 pm

Dear people who type in all lower case,

We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Sincerely, Capital Letters

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armchair_pundit
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Thu Dec 15, 2016 8:55 pm

Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies, Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise. It was a rather windy day. The Pope’s little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water. A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother. Trump climbed down the yacht’s ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope. The Pope and the press corps were amazed! Donald Trump could actually walk on water! Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world. The next morning the New York Times headline read...

DONALD TRUMP CAN’T SWIM!!!
ok, ok, i'm done spamming the new forum! :D

Jim the Moron
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by Jim the Moron » Fri Dec 16, 2016 12:07 am

The latest in off color humor -

"Hillary Clinton"

Sorry if I offended anyone with that admittedly gross attempt at humor.

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Booklady
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by Booklady » Fri Dec 16, 2016 12:20 am

Jim the Moron wrote:The latest in off color humor -

"Hillary Clinton"

Sorry if I offended anyone with that admittedly gross attempt at humor.
Apologies accepted, Jim. That is a scary thought. :o

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armchair_pundit
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Fri Dec 16, 2016 7:13 am

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife -- she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

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armchair_pundit
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Fri Dec 16, 2016 7:14 am

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all. An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans ... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?”

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

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SteveFoerster
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by SteveFoerster » Fri Dec 16, 2016 9:06 am

armchair_pundit wrote:
Dear people who type in all lower case,

We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Sincerely, Capital Letters
Okay, I laughed.
Writer, technologist, educator, gadfly.
President of New World University: http://newworld.ac

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armchair_pundit
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Mon Dec 19, 2016 4:17 pm

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner, to discuss whether or not it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.

Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.

“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say that I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, “Was that one word, or two?”

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armchair_pundit
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Mon Dec 19, 2016 4:32 pm


One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

'Then your feet were too far apart.

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