Off Color Humor Megathread

For everything else for now
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Booklady
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Re: off color humor megathread

Post by Booklady » Mon Dec 19, 2016 11:32 pm

:o Now it all makes sense!

Vatican Investigating Possible Russian Orthodox Hack Of 2013 Papal Elections

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In a surprise press conference today, Monsignor Buonarroti, Head of the Catholic Internet Agency (CIA), affirmed that in 2013 Russian Orthodox hackers infiltrated the Vatican servers in an attempt to sway the outcome of the latest Papal Conclave that elected Pope Francis. The hack was traced to a group of seminarians based out of a small seminary in suburban Moscow.

“They wanted to sew seeds of confusion in the Catholic Church to bring it more in line with a Russian Orthodox doctrinal policy,” Buonarroti told EOTT.  He went on to say that the attempts by the Russians did not have any real effect, and that any similarities in doctrinal approaches between the Russian Orthodox Church and the Vatican on certain issues were purely coincidental.

Others, though, insist that a number of Cardinals at the Conclave were unknowingly swayed by the fake news stemming from the Russian group.

“The Russians really made a mess of the Vatican,” reported a source from the Sovereign Military Order of Malta who declined to be named because he does not have authority to speak publicly.

In addition, the FBI swiftly released a statement critical of the CIA’s findings.

“The hack was clearly in retaliation against the traditional Roman policy towards Russia.  As a lay movement, the Fatima Believers Institute (FBI) will continue to demand that the entire Catholic episcopacy, along with the Pope, will intervene in Russia.  We have a mandate from heaven and the job was only half done.”

When told of the FBI’s statement and pressed for a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer as to whether Rome’s past spiritual intervention was successful, an exasperated Buonarroti replied, “We do not give binary answers to complicated consecration questions.”
Aren't we lucky we don't live in the Vatican.
A saucer of cream will do for me, thank you for your kindness.

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armchair_pundit
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Re: Off Color Humor Megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:00 am

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside Me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.”

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armchair_pundit
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Re: Off Color Humor Megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:01 am


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”

The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

“Who drives you to the beach?”

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SteveFoerster
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Location: Northern Virginia, USA and Dominica, West Indies
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Re: Off Color Humor Megathread

Post by SteveFoerster » Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:54 am

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher exposed himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady's arms were too short to reach.
Writer, technologist, educator, gadfly.
President of New World University: http://newworld.ac

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armchair_pundit
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Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:23 pm

Re: Off Color Humor Megathread

Post by armchair_pundit » Tue Mar 07, 2017 2:41 pm

A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
He stumbled on until he could no longer keep his feet
Then staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

chorus:
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o de
He staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by,
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
You see yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.

Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o dill
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.

They crept up to the sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing but what God had graced him with upon his birth

Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o dirth
There was nothing there but what God gave upon his birth

They marveled for a moment then one said we'd best be gone
But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
They took a blue silk ribbon and they tied it in a bow
Around the bonnie star of the Scot's lifted kilt did show

Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o doh
Around the bonnie star of the Scot's lifted kilt did show

The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward a trees
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
"Lad, I don't where you've been but I see you won first prize"

Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o die
He said, "Lad, I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize"

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SteveFoerster
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Location: Northern Virginia, USA and Dominica, West Indies
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Re: Off Color Humor Megathread

Post by SteveFoerster » Tue Mar 07, 2017 6:10 pm

The drunken Scotsman song:

Writer, technologist, educator, gadfly.
President of New World University: http://newworld.ac

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lzzrdgrrl
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Re: Off Color Humor Megathread

Post by lzzrdgrrl » Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:20 pm

Image

This..... is a thing......;).......
Let's try this modelling exercise. Let's envision a world in a parallel universe somewhere let's say, where I'm right.........

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